Five Year Plan: Half a Decade Later

Nearly five years ago, I put a pause on blogging.

Life was a bit upended for all of us in 2020, wasn’t it? If you asked me back then what my five year plan was or where I saw myself in five years, my answer would be far from my reality in 2025. Between COVID, giving birth to my second kid, working from home in a monotonous role… everything just kind of stopped. I tried to get myself back into the blog in early 2021, only to abruptly drop off the map.

The truth is, I was struggling mentally and physically.

For a while, I thought I was managing okay. I had a partner who actively parented, a job that gave me a pretty nice income, and two kids that made my life worth living. But after a couple years, something shifted.

Maybe turning 30 made me start to re-evaluate my life in 2022.

Maybe it was an early mid-life crisis. Depression hit me hard. I was drowning and running out of air, sinking to the bottom while silently pleading for someone to notice and help me back up. Instead I was met with an inability to connect with my partner in the ways that mattered for me. Therapy helped me briefly, but I hit a point where I could feel myself shutting down and I knew once I did, I’d be unable to function.

So I quit therapy.

My partner suggested I do more things that I enjoyed – reading, hand embroidery, music – and I did for a while. But it all felt hollow. My heart wasn’t in it the way it should’ve been. My heart wasn’t in a lot of things at that point, including my marriage. So I quit that too.

It wasn’t an easy choice to leave my relationship. I debated internally for over a year before I realized our situation wasn’t going to get better. We did a trial separation for a few months; I was doing well enough financially that I could afford to move into my own apartment and still help with the mortgage until the house could be sold. But just as I was about to sign a lease, my pay structure changed and I took a massive hit to my income.

I was stuck, so I decided to give the relationship one more chance.

Maybe things would be better this time. Maybe we’d both changed in a good way. Maybe we’d be able to reconcile after all.

It went well for a few months, until that gnawing feeling snuck up on me again. That voice telling me this just wasn’t working, and that I needed to stop pretending to be happy for the sake of others, and seek out my own happiness elsewhere.

The second time I left, I left for good.

I promised myself that I’d move out once the school year ended. And I did. In April 2024, I packed the last of my belongings up and relocated to the Indianapolis area to be closer to work. My daughter came with me; I agreed to joint custody with my son primarily living with my ex.

The split hasn’t been easy on any of us. I don’t miss him or our relationship, but I do miss our shared home and seeing my son every day. The adjustment has been a lot emotionally, and I had to make a lot of changes with work to accommodate for single motherhood. Those changes led to yet another massive pay cut, so I had to also pick up a second job and now I’m working between 70-80 hours every week.

There’s been a lot of good changes that came out of this past year though.

My daughter is in a better school district with more opportunities. I’ve had the chance to find myself again, and really figure out what it is I want in life. I even met someone new who accepts me, baggage and all. Honestly, if there’s one real blessing that has come out of everything, it’s meeting my current partner. But more on him another day.

This feels like a good time to take a break in my story. I’ll be back soon for some more journaling and reflection from the past few years. In the meantime, tell me what you’ve been up to the past five years in the comments! Where do you hope to be five years from now? What’s your five year plan?